Some jokes and some funny pics...

Moshe walks into Minky’s Restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. When the waitress asks him for his order, Moshe says, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please." She then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
Five minutes later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £19.46 please," she says. Moshe reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, Moshe and the ostrich return. Moshe orders, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again Moshe reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine for six consecutive days until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Thursday night, so I’ll have a sirloin steak, baked potato and a salad," says Moshe.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Soon after, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £26.62."
Once again Moshe pulls the exact change from his pocket and puts it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" she asks.
"Well," says Moshe, "several years ago, I was cleaning out my loft and found an old lamp in the corner. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right," says Moshe. "Whether it's a pint of milk or a Lexus, the exact money is always there."
The waitress then asks, "So what's with the ostrich, then?"
Moshe sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big toches and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

FOXNews.com - 'Bailout' Is Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News

People looked it up so often on Merriam-Webster's online dictionary that the Springfield-based publisher says "bailout" was an easy choice for its annual Word of the Year honor.

The rest of the list features other terms used at times of economic peril, "trepidation," "precipice" and "turmoil."

Several phrases from the presidential campaign also made the cut: "bipartisan," "vet" — as in to appraise and evaluate — and, of course, "maverick."

 

Paddy and Mick are sitting in a pub, drinking beer and watching the brothel across the road. Suddenly, they see a Baptist minister walk into the brothel. So Paddy says, "Aye Mick, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they see a rabbi enter the brothel and Mick says, "Aye Paddy, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are also fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel. So Paddy says, "What a terrible pity, one of the girls must be quite ill."

 

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked

'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling a**holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well! Only two left.'

 

Ros-Lehtinen hangs up on Obama. Twice. - Yahoo! News

Is Ileana Ros-Lehtinen a little paranoid?

Maybe.

On Wednesday, the Republican congresswoman got a call from President-elect Barack Obama, didn't believe it was him, and hung up on him. Twice.

According to Ros-Lehtinen's flack Alex Cruz, the congresswoman received the call on her cell phone from a Chicago-based number and an aide informed her that Obama wanted to speak to her. When Obama introduced himself, Ros-Lehtinen cut him off and said, "I'm sorry but I think this is a joke from one of the South Florida radio stations known for these pranks." Then she hung up.

Moments later, Obama tried again, this time through his soon-to-be chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel.

"Ileana, I cannot believe you hung up on the President-Elect," Emanuel said. And then--yes, you know what's coming--she hung up on Emanuel saying she "didn't believe the call was legitimate."

A short time later, Ros-Lehtinen received an urgent call from Rep. Howard Berman (D-Calif.), the chairman of the Foreign Affairs Committee, who informed her that she indeed hung up on Obama.

So, Obama tried again and this time he was successful. (Phew!)

"It is very funny that you have twice hung up on me," Obama said. Ros Lehtinen responded by telling Obama that radio stations in South Florida always make these sorts of jokes. Obama said similar pranksters reside in Chi-town.

"You are either very gracious to reach out in such a bipartisan manner or had run out of folks to call if you are truly calling me and Saturday Night Live could use a good Obama impersonator like you," Ros-Lehtinen joked with the president-elect.

 

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

............


One day Paddy goes for a job in the IRA,so he goes into the office and says to the bloke sat at his desk "I'm Paddy and im here for the job to join the IRA".The bloke behind the desk looks upto Paddy and says "Well, to join the IRA you need to complete 2 tasks". "Ok" says Paddy, "I'm up for it, whats the first task?" The interviewer says "Take this semtex into the town centre and blow up a few shops".

Paddy Takes the semtex and off he goes. 45 minutes later Paddy returns and says "I've done it, turn on your telly and look". The interviewer turns on the telly and can't believe his eyes: explosions were going off and all the shops were being blown up.

The interviewer thinks to himself "This guy is nuts, I want him in the IRA", so he says to Paddy "I will give you an easy second task, pass this and you are in the IRA. Paddy how many letters are in the alphabet?", asks the interviewer. "That's easy, replies Paddy, there are 21 letters in the alphabet". The interviewer says "No, now have another go". Again Paddy answers 21 letters in the alphabet. The interviewer then shouts "Paddy, are you thick? There is 26 letters in the alphabet!". Paddy then replies "Are there 26 letters. I just blew up MFI and B&Q"

 

Or,

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: We'll find out when Ireland finally gets electricity....

 

This just serves to prove that Colbert is right: "It's never a bad time to throw in a Zinger!"



Cheers...

 

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4.. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6.Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

 

Dear Santa,
"Please send me a baby brother."

Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."

 

"There once was a p#ansy of Khartoum
Took a lesbi#an up to his room
Where they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom"

 

Very nice Za!

my friend sent me this one:

[FONT=&quot]My wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up.
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They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

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[/FONT]

 

Boy, you went to alot more trouble than I did. I hung my Christmas lights too...... Four years ago....

 

The Hebrews and the Red Sea on Google Earth:

 

There's ironic and there's moronic.

 

Commander In Chief Puts Players In President Obama’s Shoes ~ Game Invasion

 

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw
up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the
front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

 

A government statement on unemployment figures:
YouTube - Government Statement on Employment Figures - NTNON

 

Ok Stefan, that just cracked me up! Thanks!!