Some jokes and some funny pics...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted another man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a warrant officer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the WO, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you haven't been much help so far."

The WO responded, "You must be an officer." "I am," replied the officer, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the WO, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

(me again) Mayhaps only we ex-enlisted snicker and snort, and all the officers will be insulted. Oh well, what can I say?

 

In the aerospace world, the officer becomes a program manager and the balloonist an engineer..

 

It's ok mate, it made me giggle.

 

Nothing is so good for the moral of troops, as occasionally to see a dead General...General Slim.

It makes no difference which side the General is on....British soldier

 

oops! that didn't work at all!

 

With permission of Air Spotters.

(Some are Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers..alledgedly...)

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your lastknown position?"


Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:


"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7, did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.



Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'd have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.


So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

You'd have to have served in British forces, then it works fine.

 

I'm having "posting" issues!

 

Have you seen a doctor? Sounds serious....Drink more water mate.

 

Let's try this one!

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

'Stop acting like your father!'

15.. My mother taught me about ENVY .

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

 

Your mother had sense and wisdom...I do hope that the last one though is incorrect...

This is a joke thread right? That was a joke...Its the old Brit America thing again...Its not funny if we have to explain.

Got a book list done for you Big Fun, Let you have it tomorrow.

 

Sounds great buddy! I sent that to my cousin, and he said the same thing! That better be a joke!! I don't have kids, so I guess I'm lucky so far as that!

 

I got a really good laugh out of that sounds just like my mom

 

Got sent this by a Usaf Policeman....Dont know how true it is though...Made me laugh.

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

 

This one found on miltary pics humour.


SECURE
The reason the U.S. Armed forces have difficulty in coordinating and cooperating with each other is that they do not use the same jargon and misunderstandings frequently occur. For example...

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will simply turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy the structure and permit only persons with the proper pass to enter.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they will call for an air strike, assault the structure with heavy artillery, ground and small arms fire, capture the facility, fortify and hold the ground at all costs until properly relieved. SEMPER FI.

 

Golf, such a nice gentlemanly sport:

A preacher, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Preacher: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Preacher: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

 

That's funny! Very funny!