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Some jokes and some funny pics...

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by Kai-Petri, Dec 4, 2002.

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  1. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Russian Humor

    Armenians
    Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing some of the stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio, usually telling political jokes. Many jokes are based on word play, often combined with the usage of Southern accent and consequent misunderstanding between the characters.
    An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, remember to protect the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because once they are dealt with, we will be next."


    Estonians and Finns
    Estonians and Finns, allegedly rustic, are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn, taciturn and especially slow. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of long vowels and consonants both in speech and orthography (e.g. Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action. In the everyday life a person may be derisively named a "hot Estonian fellow" (or, in similar spirit, a "hot-tempered Finnish bloke", a phrase popularized by the 1995 Russian comedy Peculiarities of National Hunt) to emphasize tardiness or lack of temperament. Indeed, Estonians play a similar role in Soviet humor to that of Finns in Scandinavian jokes.
    Finnish political scientist Ilmari Susiluoto, also an author of three books on Russian humor, writes that Finns and Russians understand each other's humor. "Being included in a Russian anecdote is a privilege that Danes or Dutchmen have not attained. These nations are too boring and unvaried to rise into the consciousness of a large country. But the funny and slightly silly, stubborn Finns, the Chukhnas do."[6]
    An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonnggwwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnooow iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."
    A special offer from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.
    "I told some Estonian blokes that they're slow." / "What did they reply?" / "Nothing, but they beat me up the following day. "
    Finns share with Chukchi their ability to withstand cold:
    At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20 Austrians fly to Malaga, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200 hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "Perkele, a bit chilly today, isn't it?"[6]. (This joke predates the event, deemed impossible, of Finland actually winning the contest, in 2006.)
     
    Totenkopf, Apr 24, 2009
    #1361
  2. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    "When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn."
     
    Totenkopf, Apr 24, 2009
    #1362
  3. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The French asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!"
     
    Totenkopf, Apr 24, 2009
    #1363
    urqh likes this.
  4. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    I like the last one....but so true surely....
     
    urqh, Apr 25, 2009
    #1364
  5. Miguel B.

    Miguel B. Member

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    [​IMG]
    :D
     
    Miguel B., Apr 25, 2009
    #1365
  6. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

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    So now we all know, hell has frozen over because we won the Eurovision song contest!!!!!!!
     
    Kai-Petri, Apr 25, 2009
    #1366
  7. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Totenkopf, Apr 26, 2009
    #1367
  8. Drew5233

    Drew5233 Member

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    6.
    [​IMG]

    7.
    [​IMG]

    8.
    [​IMG]

    9.
    [​IMG]

    10.
    [​IMG]
     
    Drew5233, Apr 26, 2009
    #1368
  9. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Totenkopf, Apr 26, 2009
    #1369
  10. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Totenkopf, Apr 26, 2009
    #1370
  11. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Totenkopf, Apr 26, 2009
    #1371
  12. Tomcat

    Tomcat The One From Down Under

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    Tomcat, Apr 27, 2009
    #1372
  13. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Totenkopf, Apr 30, 2009
    #1373
  14. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Totenkopf, May 13, 2009
    #1374
  15. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    Oi, im the only one who posts in this thread!

    Anyway here is something new.

    [​IMG]
     
    Totenkopf, May 23, 2009
    #1375
  16. ghost_of_war

    ghost_of_war Member

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    What are we supposed to see?
     
    ghost_of_war, May 25, 2009
    #1376
  17. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member

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    A bit long, but for English speakers, something to think about...

    [FONT=&quot]You think English is easy??? [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    a new twist[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    1) The bandage waswound around thewound.

    2) The farm was used toproduce produce .

    3) The dump was so full that it had torefuse morerefuse.

    4) We must polish thePolish furniture.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    5) He couldlead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in thedesert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time topresent thepresent

    8) Abass was painted on the head of thebass drum.

    9) When shot at, thedove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did notobject to theobject.

    11) The insurance wasinvalid for theinvalid.

    12) There was arow among the oarsmen about how to row ...

    13) They were too close to the door toclose it.

    14) The buckdoes funny things when thedoes are present.

    15) A seamstress and asewer fell down into asewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language.. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


    You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ...

    There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

    It's easy to understandUP[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]? At a meeting, why does a topic come[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]? Why do we speak [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]and why are the officers[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]for election and why is it [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]to the secretary to write[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]a report [/FONT][FONT=&quot]? [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    We call[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]our friends. And we use it to brighten[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]a room, polish[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]the silver; we warm [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]the leftovers and clean [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]the kitchen. We lock[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]the house and some guys fix[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]trouble, line[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]for tickets, work[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]an appetite, and think [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]is s pecial[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    And this[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]is confusing: A drain must be opened[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]because it is stopped [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]We open[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]a store in the morning but we close it [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]at night.

    We seem to be pretty mixed[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]about [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP [/FONT][FONT=&quot]![/FONT][FONT=&quot]To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot]look the word [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]almost 1/4th of the page and can add[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]to about thirty definitions. If you are [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]to it, you might try building[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]a list of the many ways [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]is used. It will take[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]a lot of your time, but if you don't give [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT],[FONT=&quot]you may wind[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot].. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot].

    One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it[/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]for now my time is [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot], so........it is time to shut [/FONT][FONT=&quot]UP[/FONT][FONT=&quot]! [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    Oh . . . one more thing:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


    What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? [/FONT][FONT=&quot]U-P[/FONT]
     
    LRusso216, May 27, 2009
    #1377
  18. Sloniksp

    Sloniksp Ставка

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    [​IMG]
     
    Sloniksp, May 27, 2009
    #1378
  19. Sloniksp

    Sloniksp Ставка

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    [​IMG]
     
    Sloniksp, May 27, 2009
    #1379
  20. paratrooper506

    paratrooper506 Member

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    thats true we all know one or more retards
     
    paratrooper506, May 27, 2009
    #1380
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