Who can make the worst joke?

Q: Why can't the Dalmation puppie hide from his mom?

A: Its already been spotted

 

I want to know, so could you tell me in a private message please?

 

Oh, after hearing it I think you might want to!

 

A horse walks into a bar and orders a double scotch, neat.

The bartender says, "sure pal, but why the long face?".......

 

This one is a bit off color so forgive me if I go to far . . .

If a stork brings babies, what brings no babies? . . . . A swallow.

 

Two Irishmen went for a walk. The first one said, "Look! Bear tracks!" The second one disagreed, "No, those are deer tracks!" They were still arguing about it when they were hit by a train.

 

Two fishermen are in a boat, when suddenly, a hand pops out of the water.
"Maybe someone's drowning!" Says one. "We should help them!"
"Nah." Says the other. "It's just a little wave."

 

More from those "Top Gun" Spoof movies....

Q "What do you do with an Elephant with three balls?"

A "You walk him and pitch to the Rhino."

 

An American is in Paris. He goes in a bathroom an American and comes out of the bathroom an American. What is he while he's in the bathroom?

A: European.

 

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that Dick is a fine ship builder, but he's not the rigger Mort is.

 

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
A: 'cause there are no dental records and all the D.N.A. is the same!

A baby seal waddles into a bar and on a stool. Bartender says, "What'll you have?"
Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club!"

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever!

A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, whoa, what is this, some kind of joke!"

 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Pardon me, but could ya tell me tha quickest way to Dublin?"
The bartender asks, "Well are ya walkin' er are ye drivin'?"
"I'm drivin'." the man answers.
"Well thats tha quickest way!"

AND THE COUPE DE GRACE

Mohandas K. Ghandi
He walked around barefoot quite alot, so its safe to say he had THICK callouses, right?
And a poor diet combined with all that fasting probably meant he had relativly frail health.
And he was a noted spiritual philosopher, correct?
And what food he did eat was strong and spicy. Plus oral hygene wasn't a strong suit for a third world revolutionary, so he probably had BAD breath, right?
So..... would'nt that make him a.....
SUPER CALLOUSED, FRAGILE MYSTIC, HEXED BY HALITOSIS?

DADA KSHSHSH!
Thank you, I'm here all week!

 

What's long brown and sticky, a stick of course. I should be shot.

Or Panzerpenguined

 

well, remember you said it....

 

Exercise Excuses, from "Men's Health"

Here are some excuses doctors and physical therapists heard from patients explaining why they can't exercise, according to "The Physician and Sportsmedicine":

"An earthquake drained my pool."

"My dog ate my running shoes."

"I can't exercise because of the grizzly bear." (Heard near a popular walking path in Anchorage, Alaska)

"My wife would be angry with me if I lost weight."

"If I exercise, I might not have enough energy left over for sex."

"I can't because of the volcanic ash."

"The TV at the gym is always on something I don't want to watch."

 

Two atoms meet up and one says to the other "I think I lost an electron."

The second atom looks the first over and says, "are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."